You know what, future and stuff
We all know how's dA doing these days. Simple thing. I don't know if people are active here anymore. As someone who's been here for around 14 years (I think) I tend to forget about this site lately. I post artwork on twitter, instagram... it doesn't get an enormous amount of attention, but it's much more satisfying than dA this days. And to be honest, I even like the current layout. But the place seems, well.. dead. Sad for me, but I got used to see places dying and people disappearing =I
One day I'm gonna remind myself of dA again but it's my least priority right now. I'm just letting go past 2 years. You can always find my junk over instagram or twitter.
It's not a goodbye, it's a see you later.
and a song for attention
GENESIS//EXODUS - new song!
There is an ancient mysterious race of Constructors, engineers. There's always one alive for billions of billions of years with only one goal to achieve - create as many worlds, universes and timelines as possible. Genesis is a cold-hearted perfectionist. His standarts are high and if the creation doesn't meet them - he destroys it. The endless circle of continuous work and loneliness almost brings him to the edge of madness. Out of need to feel, love he subconsciously creates another Constructor - Exodus. And this little goddess is sometimes a bit too much for him with her cheerful way of being, yet she always gets him down to earth (metaphorically)
Both characters belong to me and Karune as the core of our small united universe. They are parents of many other divine figures from other worlds.
I've produced a song during quarantine, I see this as an absolute win.
♥♥♥
DOWNLOAD: marvyanaka.bandcamp.com/album/…
♥♥♥
vocal: Maika
production: Marvyanaka
Sunshine! new original song
There are many things that I could have said. The most important one is that I have been irresponsible since emotions easily take over my actions. I guess all of you recognize Avengers, because I’d like to tell you about my favourite and most relatable hero.
Hulk and Bruce Banner, sharing one body but being two different beings, are the ones I relate with a lot. Chill professor that needs to keep himself calm and not stressed out to avoid letting Hulk out and committing a total disaster around.
Everyday I seem (it’s not my opinion but people’s around) as a happy, chill person that doesn’t bother much. I don’t talk much. I’m unnoticeable because this is how I roll. However those happy face that people see as my own peace of mind aren’t permanent. I need to focus myself on avoiding triggers that would let my inner Hulk out. Because once my Hulk is out, everything can happen - I can be mad at everything, I can be sad, I can be distraught. I won’t have much control over myself then. I’d follow my instinct and then regret once I calm down.
Due my low self-esteem I’ve been suicidal for years and now, when I think about it, I did some self harm even when I was a child below 10 years old. Last years has been a weird ride for me - nothing bad happening in my life, but my brain was a dumpster of negative emotions, because I wanted to prove myself as an artist and creator and couldn’t actually break through. Also the upcoming end of university and vision of the future when I’d have to work as an artist for real were scaring me. And then my fears came true - I really couldn’t find a work as an artist. Few past months have been hard for me. I couldn’t find a place for myself and feel as a complete person. I found a job that is far from art, but it’s calming and, what made my cry once, seems to be more useful for society than all of my creations together. But I found some kind of peace. I fell in love and still have a person who keeps me going.
Yet I failed some people, what stopped being scary for me after it happened. I failed as an artist again. Don’t ask about details, I don’t want to talk about this but those people might know what I mean and I’m truly sorry. I just couldn’t do the right thing.
Two days ago I could finally admit that I’m happy with myself, that I enjoy this simple life right now. I don’t care about future, I don’t care about… I just don’t care. Because it’s healthier.
Just to realize a hour later all of my failitures and where should I’ve been. I’ve lost my mind, became suicidal, Hulk came out. For few hours. Then I chilled.
Now, I write it all because the explanation was requested by one of my good followers who reminded me how it looks from the other side. I’m awful at expressing myself. I express myself via screams, cries, shaking. I can’t explain things, it all chokes me. It happens irl, in happens in web communication.
Now some people say that I should get help. Again, quoting one more character from MCU, ‘I’m not doing get help’.
And one more thing from MCU, it’s not a quote because I don’t remember it word by word:
We should focus on learning how to be who we are, not who we are meant to be.
I’m sorry I’m stressing you out like that guys. I’m thankful you are here, still.
But don't get me wrong.
Last months been weird, kind of hard for me. I couldn't find a job, after 5 years of studying graphics. I'm not good at design and anything useful at all. That's why I lost my motivation as a creator. I've been through many stages, but apathy was the weirdest. I used to feel guilt for not creating anything, self harmed because of that. But last months - I didn't want to do anything and I hasn't been feeling bad about it.
That's what I meant by 'losing life goal'. Creating is my goal. Making music is my goal. Drawing and animating - goal. And now all of it lost its meaning.
I have a simple, not well paid job now. I'm in training, that's why. Paperwork in short. It's calming for me. Sadly, my co-workers are mostly 5-10 years older than me, all married and having kids so we don't have much in common, and I'm a type that listens whole day but can't say a word because I'm so damn afraid. In the end, it's nice anyway. But of course I'm dead after every day, also since a few months I'm training fitness so my tiredness is also growing
But my butt is getting smaller, lol.I'm not following Discord servers and dA anymore as I used to. I almost lost contact with everything. I'm glad I have Karu, that keeps me going everyday even tho we live in diffrent places. But I want to meet her again and again in the future, I'm really feeling good being with her♥
I've started to draw traditionally more often lately and it feels refreshing. I'm better than I used to be and I feel more free while drawing on paper, because I don't need every drawing to be a masterpiece pushing my limits. With this, I think I'm getting into the stabler parts of my life. Happier, I hope.
I still need to get some shit together tho.